Fat Girl Camp

Big Brother Season

Summertime.  Big Brother.  Heat.  Food.  Bronchitis. 

It's that time of year again where Big Brother captures my attention.   I don't have the live feeds this year so I'm not hunkered down over the computer all hours of the night and chatting with other fans of the show.  If you've been reading this blog and all it's incarnations and different addresses, you might remember my Big Brother fiasco.  I look back on that time and want to give myself a big hug.  I remember crying because one of the cast members had said that the people who watch the feeds were losers.   I was so emotionally charged and imbalanced that it made me cry - weep really.   

This year I'm reading the updates and I have Showtime and it has live feeds for 3 hours a night.  I do watch that but I fast forward through a lot of it.   However, I found out a friend of mine has the feeds and is addicted to them and now I want them too.   I haven't done it yet, but it is on my mind.  My thoughts are trying to rationalize that I'm lonely so I deserve to get the feeds and I don't have a lot going on so I should get the feeds.  Do you see where this is going?   

The truth is I have a lot to do and I am doing it but not as much as should be doing it.   What should I be doing, you ask?   Well, as far as my step work goes I should be writing a gratitude list every night.   I should be going to more than one meeting.   I should be talking to my sponsor frequently instead of occasionally.   

SIDEBAR:  the other thing about the feeds are that they make me want to eat because these people eat alot.   They also are not compulsive overeaters.   

I've had bronchitis for over a week and am on antibiotics.   They don't seem to be working very well so I will have to take another trip into Kaiser (yippee).   I started a cognitive thinking class today which I was surprised to find that I'm the youngest person there.   There were 16 people in the class and 75% were over 75 years old.   It really bothered me that even in the senior community there is bullshit that happens.  One woman was relaying a story about another woman who lives in her complex and talks "shit" about everyone.  75 and still talking shit!?!!!???   It made me really sad.   It reminded me of the nonsense that I believed about losing weight - once the weight is off everything will be great.   NOT TRUE!  I think that once you reach a certain age all the bullshit will stop and it will be peaceful and easy all the time.   NOT TRUE.  The seniors all have depression.  Depression clincially and depression situationally.   It is really heart breaking and perhaps my being there is no mistake.   I imagine that I can learn alot from them.

My immediate thought when the woman claimed she was sad and relayed the situation where this other chick talked crap about her and laughed about her -- well-- it made me want to go and push the mean lady down.   

A little bit of work shit is going on and for right now all is quiet on the western front, but I can feel the thunder rolling in.   I'll discuss that in another post.   Alot of people will ask me about my blog in the 3D world and I always tell them the same thing: I need to keep my blog anonymous.   It is important to me because this way I can be really honest and not edit my thoughts.   However, clever people would know how to find it if they really looked....so they may be reading this and they may not be reading it.  I am gonna go out on a limb and say not everyone is as tenacious and nosy as I am.

My eating is status quo.  Not binging.  Not eating sugar.   A continuous hacking cough and weezing could be a help in that department, but it is what it is.   I'm in no rush.  Where's the finish line anyway?   When you've lost 200 lbs. 3 times, it becomes evident that weight loss is not the most important part of the journey, but living with yourself everyday and doing esteemable acts builds self-esteem.   If my esteem is healthy -  eating whole cakes doesn't really cross my mind.   

Gratitude List for Today:
1.  George's cute face.
2.  George's soft ears.
3.  I have a job.
4.  I have a car that works.
5.  I have a sponsor who cares.
6.  I have a few friends who treat me kindly and are genuinely interested in my well-being.
7.  I'm interested in my well-being.
8.  I am eating soundly.
9.  I care about myself today.
10.  My dog and cats love me.

10-4 good buddies.

Frightening

Halloween 001, originally uploaded by snickerdoodle66.

I found this while going through my many photo sites. This is a pic of me at my thinnest. What's up with that hairdo? I looked sickly. I remember my body felt like it was eating itself, but I still wasn't thin enough for FA to let me have more food on my food plan. I needed to lose 25 more pounds according to them.

I must say it was nice to be thin, but I remember being frozen all the time and sad and very depressed.

Perhaps there is a healthier way for me. I think so. My plan which I've been holding to for the past month is working out quite well. I don't feel sad, guilty, or not good enough. However, I sure don't look like that picture.

C'est la vie.

Poignant

DSC00599, originally uploaded by snickerdoodle66.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Time for an Update

As you might have gathered, I have a new addition to my little family -- George.  I adopted George June 28.   Coincidentally, June 28 2003 is the day my father passed on.   I hadn't really thought about that until just this minute.

I've wanted a canine companion for quite some time and thanks to a few people who encouraged me - I decided to adopt George.  He really is a treasure and I feel so lucky to have him.   This is not to say that he doesn't drive me crazy at times, but he is mostly a joy.   He has a face that makes me smile.

The other thing about having a dog is that it is really hard to go into a deep funk with a dog who needs to be walked and played with and it becomes a very zen experience.  All that matters is that moment.   

You might have noticed that I haven't really posted anything of note in a few months.   This is because I was going through a very bad time yet again.  I was talking to Frances earlier today and we were doing the math; in 24 months I've been through weight loss of 100 lbs, weight gain of 60 lbs., a vicodin addiction, an affair with someone I work with which went against my values in so many ways, and two major depressive episodes.

I began this blog during my first depression in 2006 and it was a dark place.   A few months after beginning the blog, an audience began to find me and I was so surprised that anyone would be interested in my experience.   The blog kept me alive and led me to a group of friends whom I could not have imagined.   It began my journey of drawing more love into my life although the next two years would find me in a suicidal state more than once.   I continued to struggle at 427 lbs. and suffered at the hand of a food addiction beyond my mental control.   I found an online community of Big Brother fans and started chatting and became addicted to that.   After that went up in flames, I went through a sadness again, and then I went back to Overeaters Anonymous and lost 140 lbs in 2007.   I was starting to get mobile again and traveled a bit but the sadness still loomed.  I continued to blog but I would go away for long periods, just like I have been lately. 

I started to go to therapy, learned DBT skills, and started to make changes again in my life.   It was going pretty well, except for that pesky vicodin addiction in the middle of 2007.   After that went away I went to DBT classes again and got a new therapist and began again.  Then the work tryst began.   That would find me in 3 months of a neurotic dysfunctional alcoholic relationship with a woman.  Don't ask me how I got involved with a woman being that I'm not a lesbian and never was attracted to women.  But, the lonely heart makes bad decisions and if you are lonely enough - things happen.

Well, that was enough drama for me.   I had always joked that it would be easier to be a lesbian.  My short stint in that world proved to me that it is not easier to be a lesbian.  Not at all.  In fact, this was the most dysfunctional relationship I had ever had.   Ack, just thinking about it makes me cringe just a bit.   

I lost myself.  The loneliness led me down a path and I followed.   I followed all the way to losing my sobriety and gaining 60 pounds and a heartache that broke me open.   So, that's what's been happening my friends.   I've been going to an outpatient therapy group for those of us in the world who feel life has become too much.   

I met a new friend at the group and he is pretty funny.  However, I'm closed for business as far as getting involved with anyone.  I really know my lonely heart will not take care of me and I am working with my sponsor closely and my therapist as well.   I'm learning new skills which I find very beneficial.   But, no matter how much thearpy I get I know that to really change a spritual makeover needs to take place deep inside and that's what I feel is happening now.  George is a part of that change.   Ollie and Moo (the felines) are a part of that.  We are a little family.   

My weight is not going up and my abstinence is simplified.   I'm careful not to get involved with "food plan" conversations with people who aren't my sponsor.   

I've had bronchitis this week and am taking antibiotics.   My work continues to be annoying as far as working with people goes.  I still work from home but it seems I still have to deal with co-workers and that always seems to get me in a bit of a tangle.   

I went to the doctor and found him to be the exact type of person I should have been with if this pesky depression and obesity hadn't gotten in the way.   I like a well-educated tall latino man.   (Think Jimmy Smits at around 40).   

Anyway, now that I've caught you up, I'm sure I forgot to mention a few things since I have selective amnesia.   If I left something out -- remind me in a comment....

Talk to ya soon!

PS. I'm watching Big Brother but not chatting.

Welcome George!

Live It Up

I'm getting sick and tired of being a fat hater!  This doesn't mean I don't want to be healthy...it just means I'm darn sick of hating myself...

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